Then There Were Twelve
by Psycho Goddess
Summary: A Mary Sue wanna-be, her Tolkien obsessed (male) cousin and her obnoxious boyfriend end up in Middle Earth. Here, they shall meet their worst fears - Mary Sue-ism, Convenient plot devices and Movie verse for a purist.
1. An Unfortunate Series fo Events

Mary Sue Parody… Pretty strange. Started as a parody of what I would be like if I ended up in Middle Earth, but it warped into something completely unrelated! I would appreciate reviews, but it's not like I'm willing to threaten you with a baseball bat or anything…I'm busy enough with trying to get SOMEONE to vote between LOTR and HP **;-) **And I apologize for not having Middle Earth in this chapter, I was trying to set the scene. Geez, it's short. Damn! Oh well, the rest is so much longer (Don't ask about the orcs, you'll find out next chapter...and the floor? I like floors!) 

Warning: Serious stereotyping ahead! I mean, I love most of these people, but, well, they're annoying. 

Disclaimer: I don't own it. Tolkien's probably spinning in his grave at this moment. Oops! Sorry Prof, I couldn't help it! 

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Katie "Phoenix" Andrews glanced impatiently at her watch, and gave an over dramatic sigh. She shook her long mane of (dyed) red hair, before letting out a squeal of delight, following by a quick run down the hall. 

She hated this time of year, having no use for Christmas cheer and absolutely despising her relations. And to top things off, her boyfriend was late. Again. Naturally. 

But at least she had a freshly waxed floor to slide on. Her movement was suddenly stopped by a conveniently misplaced carpet, and threw her into the conveniently present arms of her long time, on again, off again boyfriend. 

"Ah, mon chere! Ah did not know ya felt so!" Nick Lenters drawled. 

She pushed herself back and glared at him. "Cut the crap. I've told you before, your 'Cajun' accent sucks. God, I tell you that I had a crush on Gambit when I was SEVEN and you have to act like this. We have a grand total of," she cast a quick glance at her watch, "about 15 minutes before mum and James get back from the airport." 

"James is here? Is he still a fantasy freak?" 

Grimacing at the thought of her cousin's renowned _Lord of the Rings_ obsession, she sighed and replied, "Worse then ever." 

Giving her patented dismissive shake of her head, Phoenix reminded Nick there were more "important" to do then discuss her cousin's social sadness and pulled him into the nearby room. 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* 

And that was the way James found them twenty minutes later. 

"Oh. My. Valar." He said as he attempted to back out of the room inconspicuously. But fate was not on his side. The door had swung shut behind him, leaving him trapped. 

His cousin looked up in startlement, and her vivid green eyes met his. They begged him to leave and forget what he had seen, a request he was all too happy to comply with. 

By that time, Nick had set off a motion of simultaneous events. As he leapt towards James, fury blazing in his eyes, the object of his rage managed to open the door. As the soon-to-be dueling pair spilled into the hall, Phoenix (having hastily redressed herself) attempted to intercept. 

It was in vain. The freshly waxed floor, once supposed to be a bringer of great entertainment, was a curse as she felt her nylon socks slip. As she began to tumble down the stairs (so conveniently nearby) she did the only thing that she could think of. She grabbed ahold of Nick's shirt, in a desperate attempt to stop her fall. Need I remind you, gentle readers, that Nick and James were in a desperate battle? The trio flew down the stairwell, and three loud thumps were heard as they reached bottom. Then silence. 


	2. Meet Mary Sue

**Disclaimer**: There is no way in Mordor you want this plot, so why do I bother? Garbage isn't mine either, it belongs to my English class. I happen to like Newfies, leave it at that. Though I do want to blow up Garbage Island! *claps hands in delight* If you sued me all you'd get was a pile of homework, so by all means do so! And this is all a good (or rather bad if you wish to get technical) parody of a Mary Sue landing in Middle Earth. I am not responsible for any parentage she claims. 

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The first thing that Phoenix felt was a rock so conveniently digging in the most lovely back in all of Garbage, Newfoundland. She sat up, regarding her surroundings. 

"Jesus…" she said, and closed her eyes again. This could not be happening. Really. There was no way in Heaven or Hell she was in the middle of a forest. It was not happening. She couldn't even stand to spend the night in her back yard. Had she mentioned it was not happening? 

"It's happened," Nick said behind her. 

"What?" 

"I'm officially crazy. I thought for a moment I was in a forest" 

"I would usually doubt that, but we are." 

Phoenix's eyes shot open. "Shut up!!!!!!! James! Don't tell us stuff we don't want to hear." 

"There is no use denying the simple fact of the matter. We are in the midst of a forest, most likely somewhere in New Zealand if the vegetation is any indication." 

"You actually paid attention when Mrs. Kiss-My-Back-Cheeks was lecturing us on the natural growth patterns of ecology?" Nick said in disgust. 

"Of course not," replied his comrade. "But I happened to note the plants in the _Lord of the Ring_s film. It was shot in New Zealand. I made an assumption-" 

"Well, it may have been a little premature," said Phoenix, who had been the first to look to the right. "What's with those statues?" 

The two boys turned and let out a small gasp. On either side of the river stood magnificent guardians, approaching an easy 200 feet. 

"The Argonath!" Exclaimed James in awe. 

"The Argo-Whata-Whoa?" asked Nick. 

"The Argonath. A statue to the Lords of Gondor, Isildur and Anárion." 

The two boys turned and stared at Katie –er, Phoenix. She blanched, and gave a nervous twitter. 

"How did you know that? Is my cousin reading in her spare time?" 

"I, I don't…Well, I don't know! All I know is that we're in Middle Earth, along the river Anduin. I don't know why I know this, but I do. Approaching in boats is what remains of the Fellowship, and Gollum follows behind." 

"Riiight," said Nick. 

It was James turn to turn white. "That's pretty accurate…But can anyone explain why we're here? I would really like to know. Because if I was ever to land in Middle Earth, you would think I'd have enough sense to land somewhere safe." 

"Don't look at me," said Nick. "I couldn't stand that movie. Not enough sex." 

Phoenix looked down, and let out a small _Eep! _of surprise. 

"Why am I wearing a dress?" She managed to ask. "I mean you guys landed with your normal clo…" she trailed off as she caught her reflection in a nearby puddle. "MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!" 

"Who cares about your hair, we're in Middle Earth for the love of Elbereth!" 

Phoenix stood whimpering, and touched her tresses. The burnt auburn she had kept it coloured for the past three years was replaced by a shining ebony. Her face, once tanned and lively, was now pale. Unearthly pale, as if she had never seen the sun. 

Meanwhile, James and Nick had been discussing their current, erm, predicament. 

"It's always possible that there was a rip in the time space continuum that we fell through as we…well, fell." 

"Riiight," said Nick. 

"No, no. That just won't do," muttered James. "Even if other worlds were created in a separate dimension by thought, there is little chance of a hole being in the staircase of 452 Peaknick Drive. And why would we land in Middle Earth? There are millions, billions of fantasy realities out there…Why here?" 

A heroic (yet feminine) voice replied. "Perhaps it was meant to be. Perhaps there is a reason. Pehaps it is my destiny!" 

"Perhaps you've seen too many late night horror movies Katie." 

Phoenix glared at her cousin. 

"How dare you use such a degrading name, you pompous… Dwarf!" She yelled, tossing her hair back angrily. 

James gasped, and turned to Nick. "Nicky, we have a problem…you know you're girlfriend? Well, I think she's an elf. A temperamental one at that." 

A darkness grew around Phoenix. "I am greater then an elf! I am the daughter of Elbereth and Sauron! Bow before me!" 

But even as she finished, light returned to the forest and her manner grew once again polite and royal like. 

James gave a stricken look to Nick. Could it be? Was his cousin truly becoming a really bad Mary Sue? Would he ever return home, where there were run of the mill thieves and murderers? Or would he be stuck with fulfilling a yet unknown destiny? 

"Well, at least she didn't turn green." 

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R&R if you like the story, hate the story, or think I'm a complete idiot trying to destroy the genre of Mary Sue's and their parodies! So pretty much, if you read please review so I'm not completely lonely. *sniffles* Kate stole my elves, so I made her a MS! 

Next chapter: ^-^ We finally have real conflict—the Fellowship needs a place to rest for the night 


	3. Book Verse? You HAVE to be kidding!

Sorry, have to poke fun at Mary Sue characterization. Really, I should be finishing the next chapter of "A Waiting Star", but since I have an essay to write, that may not be up until the weekend. I hate exams.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Mary Sue's, I didn't create Middle Earth, and I sure as hell didn't try and take over the world.  
  
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Katie sighed. Try as she might, there was just no way this would turn out to be a dream. For starters, she was having more mood swings then a pregnant cow. One minute she was Phoenix, the slightly sarcastic ice queen, the next Katie, her long forgotten Tomboy self. But worst was... Lossefalme. The completely perfect, drop dead gorgeous, witty she elf from Hell. Wait, not technically an elf, as James had so kindly explained. She was supposedly the completely perfect, drop dead gorgeous, witty goddess from Hell. Well, Mordor at least.  
  
She racked her mind, trying to remember where and what Mordor was, but all she came up with was an intense need to apply mascara. Oh well, it was only a matter of time before Lossefalme took over again.  
  
From beside her, James muttered some indecipherable threat to the trees and Nick proved once and for all that some males just never grew up. For some odd reason, the fact that she had landed in a completely fictional world after getting caught "in the act" seemed perfectly natural.  
  
They began to weave a path along the river's western shore, stopping from time to time to leave markers and orient themselves. It was on one of those rests that the rustle in the bushes was heard.  
  
"Orcs," whispered James, crouching low.  
  
Lossafalme paid no heed. "Orcs, yes, orcs. Elves once, you know. Captured by the dark Lord Sauron and corrupted. Tortured the poor dears..."  
  
"First of all, it was Morgoth, Katie. And second of all, I meant..."  
  
"ORCS!" The three cried out in unison as a swarm of the foul beasts surrounded them.  
  
"I am Lossefalme, daughter of your master! I beseech thee, stop!"  
  
The orcs started laughing. Think about it, if you were an evil baddie in the middle of the wild and a teenage girl that looks like she's cry if she broke a nail tells you to stop because she is the child of all that is evil in the world, what would you do?  
  
Unfortunately for them, Mary Sues HATE being laughed at. Pulling the knowledge of an ancient craft known as High Pitch Shrieking from the deep recesses of her ancient mind, Lossefalme attacked.  
  
"Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"  
  
The orcs beat a hasty retreat, whimpering and clutching bleeding ears as they did so.  
  
"Bloody yrchs." She muttered.  
  
~*~*~  
  
It was some time later that she felt the prickling sensation of being watched. Katie turned in time to see a large figure move into the shadows. They were being watched! Before she could raise a warning, James yelled out.  
  
"Elen sila lumenn omentilmo!"  
  
Before she could demand a translation, the answer came unbidden to mind. A greeting. Either too much time around James and his insanity, or she had just developed the ability to speak a language previously unknown to her.  
  
"You have kind words, mortal. But your presence is still a mystery."  
  
That clinched it. Enough time around James had taught her that the inhabitants of Middle Earth did not speak English, and she had understood that.  
  
Or maybe not.  
  
"I thought you guys had your own little language going on? I mean, the common tongue is ENGLISH!?!? The fans have been cheated!"  
  
Eight men emerged from the grove of nearby trees. Or more precisely, two men, a dwarf, an elf and four hobbits emerged from the grove of nearby trees.  
  
Phoenix shrieked!  
  
"Who are they?" she managed to ask, before swooning.  
  
"That," James said in a slightly mocking tone, "would be the Fellowship."  
  
"Uh uh. No way, José. Where is Orlando Bloom with his hot prancing, or studly Argon?"  
  
"Book verse. And it's Aragorn. Or Estel, Strider, Elfstone."  
  
Phoenix seemed oblivious to the explanation. As James droned on about the history of Isildur's heir, she stared in absolute horror at the sight before her. An elf, or what she assumed was an elf, stood with a grim expression on his face and his hand on the shaft of a bow that looked much more menacing in real life. Golden hair and a muscular body. Definitely screaming masculine. Where was Legolas? Four undersized men stared at the beautiful maiden before them, and managed to remind her of the little boy she used to babysit, whose greatest pleasure was peeking down her shirt. A dirty and bearded dwarf was petting what seemed to be strands of hair, and a graying man that looked as if personal hygiene ranked about par with washing toilets looked at her with amusement in his eyes. The only one that seemed borderline normal was a fair haired man, though he was fiercely clutching a horn.  
  
She sighed. This wasn't going to be as easy as it looked.  
  
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Hmm, not where I want to be by the end of the chapter, so chapter 4 should be coming soon! A traditional Mary Sue heritage, more personality confusion, a speech that moves the Fellowship (towards their weapons of choice), and a brief appearance from Gollum. 


End file.
